The past few weeks have been filled with some of the most painful and some of the most joy filled moments of the year so far. Bringing me back to one word. Emotions. A word that I fear and underestimate on a fairly regular basis.
More than anything I wanted to share a story with you about training camp for World Race, Passport, or Ambassador. To share with you the moments that I have had with Papa’s little ones but my emotions are getting in the way.
Patterns are starting to arise and clues pointing straight to my gifts are neon and burning my eyes. My Meyers Briggs personality type is an ISFP. This was a discovery that I made several months ago and I swear I thought I was mis-typed. As I was listening to a podcast on my personality the woman said “You have the power to help others experience what you feel.”
For such a long time I thought that feelings were bad. That they did not help you in life and that they were not to be trusted. So what was I to do? A little girl with a myriad of feelings and emotions that could fill an entire room. As I got older I learned how to stuff them away. How to not cry by building walls around me.
Then I went on the World Race. My life was turned upside down and here I am today, with the pendulum on the others side. Now I feel everything. Even the things around me. I can sense conflict between people, tension, suicidal thoughts, and burdens galore. Now the Lord has given me another gift. I can feel his heart for his people and the nations that they are in. I sometimes cant sleep at night or I wake up at odd hours. Sometimes I am angry for no reason or a piercing sadness comes over me.
This past weekend I was in mourning. There was no reason for me to be. I had just had an excellent week of breakthrough and excessive joy, why was I mourning? Why did it feel like someone had died?
It was because not just someone had died hundreds had died. I was mourning the loss of life in Bagdad, Saudi Arabia, and America. All places I had been praying for already. It felt as though my heart had been ripped out of my chest and I didn’t understand why I was so passionate about groups of people I didn’t even know. The weight has been almost unbearable. Then I went in my little prayer place and started to intercede. Everything changed. The weight was lifted and I was better. Drained still, but better. In the midst of CGA life and yet another transition coming soon I am having a hard time with this new “gift”
Going after what I want is becoming more and more difficult in this season. I feel like I am falling instead of thriving. I don’t need advice this time around, I have so much of that. There are incredible people around me who have walked through this before and are providing so much guidance it is great. I do need your prayers and your compassion more than anything. I love you and thank you for taking this journey with me.
