Project Searchlight is a time for recently landed alumni racers to come together to worship, seek the face of God, and process their race journey. Honestly, when I told everyone I was coming to PSL I told them it was just a reunion time with sQuad mates and old friends from other race routes. I lied. I knew God wanted to move in my heart but I just wasn’t into admit that God was interested in doing that.
Somehow I had convinced myself that the healing I walked through on the race was enough and I was good. Also a lie. I knew darn well that walking through healing was a LIFETIME part of following Jesus.
So what has PSL done for me??
PSL has given me a space to encounter deeper parts of the Lords heart for me….for ME. Not for others but just for me. After traveling the world and at many points of the year caring about others it was time for me to be taken care of.
If you are here at PSL you know that worship last night was insane. We were challenged to recall the deep dark areas of our past and relive them. I found myself on the floor in a room full of alumni from different squads as well as AIM staff. I was reliving my painful past openly. This was the most vulnerable I think I had been all year. I was real for the first time. Instead of waiting for the room to clear or going to a quiet place I was reliving some of the most painful parts of my life in a full room of strangers.
The Lord took me to a very personal memory from when I was 12 years old. Sometimes little girls build highly stacked walls to protect themselves from the world of hurt coming against them. I protected myself and held things in to protect my heart from those who might want to hurt me. It was necessary then, but now it only left me feeling distant and disconnected from people and unable to feel anything. My worship was wild and searching for more from God. I wanted a deeper healing and I wanted it NOW.
Yesterday I woke up and I asked for it and God met me with an entire day full of deep deep healing that ended the evening with me on the floor with my tears soaking up the cold hard ground in front of me. It hurt so much, but what happened after that was amazing. The Lord spoke and said, “because you are willing to go deep, those around you will be more willing to go deep. The more you go the more chains will fall off of you and then off of the people around you.”
So Jesus scooped out the horrible memories from my childhood and filled them with the sweet ones. He reminded me of all the times that he was there with me.
SO if you are debating about PSL and your on the field or maybe you think you have gone through all the healing that you need to….thats probably not true and you should come to PSL if you are a racer or seek out healing in your community at home by asking the Lord and those around you for wisdom. DO IT!!
