The process of healing seems to bring up so many ugly things about myself that I really have no desire to tackle head on. This week the Lord revealed to me that I crave control. To be able to say yes or no to one thing or another. I hate feeling constricted and confined to one thing. We could go deeper with that one and maybe we will on another blog but for today lets just stay here.
I like to drive. It is one of my favorite things in the world. To just get behind the wheel and take off down a winding road makes me feel so much freedom. So many of my chats with the Lord have been while behind the wheel cruising down an open road. It makes me feel some sense of security too. To know that I can hop in the car freely and head on down to Old Navy or to wherever is something that I crave. To know that I can choose when and where I go and not to rely on anyone else.
This feeling of control is giving me a false sense of security.
I can feel the control slipping away from me slowly in so many areas of my life. I come unhinged in my worship and have no control over my emotions and there is nothing that I can do about it. I am feeling EVERYTHING and there is nothing I can do about it. I feel Gods heart, my housemates hearts, and every heart that the Lord allows me to feel. I even feel my own heart in my story and I hate it.
I desperately want control and I want it now.
Unfortunately I will not be given the reins….God is allowing me to feel his heart to connect with him and his children in such a deeper way than before and THAT is BEAUTY.
